Dear Looking for Pleasure,

Pressing and rubbing the clitoris cause pelvic fullness and body tension to build up to a peak. Orgasm is the point at which all the tension is suddenly released in a series of involuntary and pleasurable muscular contractions. The contractions can be felt in the vagina, uterus, and/or rectum. Orgasms can be mild, intense, ecstatic, or sensuous, depending on the woman, the environment, the moment....

Many women have difficulty orgasming, either by themselves or with a lover. Lack of information and/or shame about touching one's own body, and unknown fears, keeps some women from learning how to orgasm.

The following interferes with orgasming:

• Not noticing or misunderstanding what's happening to your body as you get aroused. It's easy to think about abstractions — how to do it right, why it isn't going well, getting bored with yourself, wondering what your lover is thinking, whether or not your lover is impatient, whether or not your lover can last — when you might be better off concentrating on sensations, not thoughts.
• Fear that you won't have an orgasm, even though you are aroused, and so you don't want to get into the hassle of trying, repressing your sexual response.
• Fear of asking too much and seeming demanding of your partner.
• Fear that if your lover concentrates on your pleasure, you will feel such pressure to come that you won't be able to — and then you don't.
• Trying to orgasm simultaneously.
• Conflict about, or anger at, your partner.
• Guilt about having sex, so you can't let yourself really enjoy it.
• Rushing into sex — being swept off your feet, just like in the movies, and being swept under the rug when it comes to climaxes.

Lonnie G. Barbach's For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality and Betty Dodson's Sex for One: The Joy of Self-Loving, are the orgasm bibles. Also look at Julia Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo's book, Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women. Some hints about relaxation and effective techniques for achieving fulfilling orgasms, whenever you want them, can be found in these books.

Alice

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