Dear Can't find,

Your question is a far cry from stupid! The clitoris can be quite elusive to men and women who haven't fully explored their partner's or their own body. This little "joy button" deserves to be found, however, and below is some info to improve your seeking skills. For starters, you may want to take a look at a basic human sexuality textbook; or you can check out these diagrams from Teenwire.com to orient yourself to male and female pleasure zones.

In order to find a woman's clitoris, you'll want to look towards the top of her labia (the outer and inner skin folds of a woman's vulva, or genitals), but stay below the pubic bone. The glans of the clitoris — similar to the head of a man's penis, and even more sensitive — is the nodule you can see when a woman is not aroused and is located between the inner folds of the vulva (labia minora), at the top. The clitoris is just the tip of a branching interior system of erectile tissue that extends towards the vaginal opening. This tissue responds to sexual arousal by filling with blood and becoming harder and erect. As a woman becomes aroused, her clitoris will actually swell and retract underneath the clitoral hood, a flap of skin that is part of her labia minora. The size and shape of the clitoris varies from woman to woman, although its location remains pretty consistent.

The clitoris is the focus of pleasure sensation for most woman and is usually the place that, when stimulated, will bring her to orgasm. Identifying the clitoris may or may not be difficult for you to do by touch, but paying close attention to your partner's reactions can help you figure out if you're in the area and/or touching her in ways that she enjoys. If you're comfortable, talking with your partner is a sure-fire way to find and stimulate her pleasure zones. Ask her to show you her clitoris. Ask her how she likes it to be touched or to show you how she touches it herself. Or you can put her hand on top of yours to guide you. Have fun exploring each other's bodies — if it's embarrassing, just remember your (and her) knowledge is her pleasure!

Once you find the clitoris, you can stimulate it in many different ways — by rubbing, sucking, applying pressure, or using a vibrator or a dildo. Again, communication is key here because, although some women like direct touching on the glans of the clitoris, other women find direct touching hurts. Using a water- or silicone-based lubricant can ease friction (and add fun for you and your partner), but some women still find the glans to be too sensitive for direct touch. Further, focusing directly on the clitoris for too long can cause pleasurable sensations to disappear. So instead, try rubbing your partner on one or both sides of her clitoris, or wetting your fingers and rubbing them around and over her clitoris. Gently rub or pull the clitoris itself, or rub the hood or a larger area around the clitoris. Use one finger, then try several. Try different kinds of pressure and timing. And most importantly, listen to your partner's reactions and directions for guidance.

While the female genitalia may have many wonders, it need not be an enigma. Seek, touch, whisper, show, and you shall find.

Alice

Related Q&As

The distinction between male and female circumcision

So, what is the vulva?

Are we in vulva territory?

Caring for my clitoris — piercing, that is

Is my clitoris too big?