My wife and I had our first child last July. Until about 3 months ago, she was unable to reach orgasm at all. Of late, she has very small one's, but they don't seem to be getting much better. Prior to having the baby, she had strong, very quick (3-5 minutes) orgasms 90% of the time. I know the stress of being at work rather than home with the baby could play a part in this. Is this common and is there a way to mitigate the problem?
-- The Way We Were

Dear The Way We Were,

The issues surrounding sexuality and pregnancy are not talked or written about very often, so Alice is happy for the chance to give you the lowdown.

Physiology, first: Orgasm is a reflex occurring when the body has had sufficient effective stimulation. It serves as a pressure cooker valve or a circuit breaker, allowing the body to go back to its unaroused state. The muscle that begins the orgasm in women is the pubococcygeal muscle, a sling of striated muscles that holds the genitals in place. Women can identify the muscle by using the muscle to shut off the urine flow midstream. (Men have this muscle, too, and can find it the same way. When they squeeze their pubococcygeal muscle, their penis seems to "wave".)

The way to get orgasms back-- in number, strength, and intensity-- is to exercise this muscle by doing "Kegels", the exercise named for Dr. Arnold Kegel. (See previously answered Alice question, Kegel technique, and/or the book, The New Our Bodies, Ourselves). The stronger the pubococcygeal muscle, the stronger the orgasm, (true for both men and women). Understandably, during childbirth this muscle stretches like a rubber band, but usually with time and Kegels, regains its elasticity. Occasionally, the muscle may be damaged, especially if a woman has an episiotomy. Your wife's midwife or obstetrician can check her pubococcygeal muscle to measure its strength and elasticity and can give her more information about these exercises.

Itıs interesting that you wrote to Alice, rather than your wife. Show her your letter and answer, and let her decide about "Kegeling", since she may feel as if this is one more thing for her to do, especially with the demands of a new baby. Orgasms may or may not be a priority with her at this time. You've mentioned the stress and fatigue she feels, juggling a new baby, a new childcare arrangement, her work out of the home, and her relationship with you.

If your wife is eager to Kegel, then adding it to activities she is already doing can remove some of the pressure. For example, Kegeling when she breastfeeds, holds the baby, or talks on the phone, may not feel like a burden.

Lucky woman to be married to someone with your caring and awareness.

Alice

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