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Nonconsensual relationships
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Teasing, poking, prodding — abusive?
Originally Published: October 25, 1996
~ Last Updated / Reviewed on: March 06, 2009
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Dear Alice, What is the criteria for determining if a relationship is abusive? My husband has never struck me in anger or injured me, but he is constantly poking, tickling, flicking me, etc. When I tell him to stop, he usually says, "Why should I?" and continues a little bit more. It's like a kid tormenting a little sister. He gets right in my face and sometimes pokes me in the chest while he's telling me something. There's never any anger until I get mad at him for doing it, and then he tells me he's just playing. The other night when I told him to stop poking me, he said, "I'll do whatever I want." That really bothered me. When he does get angry, he usually just ignores me, but occasionally he'll throw something (but not at me). What do you think? How can I make him understand that his "playing" is upsetting? Is this type of behavior a precursor of actual violence?
Dear Reader, First off, congratulations for standing up for yourself. Your husband's behavior is inappropriate and it is not your fault. He seems to think that bullying you is playful and harmless. However, unwanted teasing that causes you to feel angry and tormented can constitute abuse. To put an end to your husband's harassment, you can try talking to him about his behavior or seeking help from a professional counselor. Even if his taunts do not lead to physical violence, you deserve a partner who treats you with respect. There are many possible explanations for his behavior. Perhaps he feels neglected at home or at work, and this is his "funny" (but unhealthy) way of gaining attention. Maybe teasing is commonplace in your husband's family, and he is unaware that you have different boundaries. Although there is no excuse for your husband's mistreatment, it may be helpful to talk with him about why he ignores your requests to stop "playing." Obviously, you have made several attempts to talk with your husband about his behavior, but to no avail. Have you tried approaching your husband when he is not teasing and the two of you are more relaxed? You may want to tell him what you notice about his behavior and how it makes you feel. Hearing from you that his actions are disrespectful and hurtful may persuade your husband to be more considerate. You can also discuss ways to signal that your husband has crossed the line, like making the time-out sign or simply leaving the room if he continues to prod you. If talking does not seem to help or if you are uncomfortable confronting your husband, then consider seeking professional help for yourself, for him, and/or for the two of you as a couple. To encourage him to go, tell him how much you love him and how much the marriage means to you (if this is how you feel). If he is unwilling to seek help and you want to make a change, then you can contact a counselor, psychologist, or social worker on your own. If you are a student at Columbia, call x4-2878 to make an appointment with a clinician at Counseling and Psychological Services, which provides individual and couples counseling. If you are not at Columbia, consider asking a trusted friend, family member, spiritual advisor, or health care provider for a referral. It is very difficult to say whether or not this type of behavior is a precursor to physical violence. However, it seems that emotional abuse may already exist in your relationship, and getting help now may prevent future violence. In New York, you can check out the services offered by Safe Horizon; outside of New York, the bilingual National Domestic Violence Hotline can provide information and assistance. Playful teasing is a normal part of many relationships that shows affection and builds intimacy. However, it sounds as if your husband's unwanted taunting goes too far, causing hurt not harmony. Through frank conversations or help from a counselor, hopefully he will realize that "pushing your buttons" is damaging to your feelings and your marriage. All the best as you find a solution that works for both of you,
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