Dear Perplexed,

How about just saying what you would like? "I was going to see this movie and wondered if you would like to come along?", trying to sound as casual as possible, meaning it, and having it be okay whether or not he goes.

Or, "Some of us were going to this event on campus. Would you like to join us?"

Or, "There is this cafe downtown that has really great food. Would you like to go there with me sometime this weekend?" Or, "Would you have any time for coffee this week?" Or, "Would you like to study together at the library and then go get some coffee?"

Give some information, including what you would like to do and when you would like to do it, and make sure you give him a choice. See it as an invitation, say it casually and caringly, and be prepared for either answer. If your idea is rejected, then remember it is your idea that is rejected, not you. In the words of the famous flirting coach, Fran Greene, if someone does reject your invitation, they are, in fact, giving you a gift -- the gift of time. Therefore, you will not have to waste your precious time thinking about asking that person to go out with you any longer. You can move on to try again with someone else.

Alice's friend, the Queen of Cool, however, suggests a more straightforward approach. Rather than be prepared for a response of "yes" or "no", just assume that the person would, of course, want to go out with you. Why wouldn't he want to go out with you, since you are such a cool person? She suggests that you do NOT ask like this: "Maybe if you have time, tomorrow, I understand if you can't, don't worry about it, forget it, oh well." Your confidence, even if it is a bit of bluff, will be contagious.

For more of Alice's advice, check out Flirting and Does she like me? in her Relationships archives.

Have fun asking!

Alice, who has asked

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