Dear Too Shallow?,

Nothing is wrong with you. This is not your problem. It's an area of negotiation between the two of you to be figured out together. Communication and creativity are the two main ingredients in working toward a solution that satisfies both of you.

Contrary to popular belief, that "bigger is better," oral sex, anal sex, or vaginal intercourse with a well-endowed man can be challenging. For some, the "gag reflex" makes it difficult to have the entire shaft of the penis in one's mouth. For others, penetration causes pain.

You mention pain when your boyfriend tries to penetrate you fully. The discomfort may be due to the head of his penis hitting your cervix (check out Alice's archived answers to Curious About Her Body — What is my penis hitting? and Where does the penis go for intercourse? for more information). Regardless of penis size, sensual touching is essential before penetration as it allows enough time for arousal as well as vaginal lubrication (also see First sex for two virgins?in Alice's Sexuality archive). For some women, a dab of water-based lube can make a huge difference. Different positions sometimes help, too.

As a result, some people feel more comfortable with partial insertion during oral, anal, and vaginal sex. The unenveloped part of the penis, as well as the scrotum or anus, can be stimulated with fingers, hands, or a vibrator.

As you experiment and play, tell one another how you feel, what is uncomfortable, and what feels good. This doesn't mean carrying out a full conversation while having sex; simple words — like "deeper" or "not so deep," "gently" or "harder," "faster" or "slower" — usually are enough to get the point across and make sex more enjoyable for both of you.

While the Latin term for oral sex on a man, fellatio, means, "to suck," oral sex on part or along all of a penis (think corncob) involves caressing with the lips, tongue, mouth, breath, and fingers, together. The glans (also known as the head), corona (the ridge of tissue around the head), and frenulum (the thin band of skin on the underside of the penis connecting the head and the shaft) have many nerve endings that generally cause extra pleasurable sensations when stimulated. Edible liquids, such as honey, can create warm sensations. For safer oral, vaginal, or anal sex, use a liquid that's water-based so it won't deteriorate latex condoms. Some receivers enjoy the cold sensation of ice cubes or the tingling feeling of a mint that has been in the giver's mouth before oral pleasuring begins.

Alice

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